The Science and Art of Communication in Relationships
Communication in relationships goes beyond an exchange of words. It requires a metacognitive, metapsychological letting down of your guard in order to process your own emotions while actively engaging with those of your partner. It encompasses emotional sharing, non-verbal cues, listening skills, and an awareness of how you interpret your significant other’s actions and intentions.
1. Verbal vs. Non-Verbal Communication
Verbal communication includes the words we choose, but non-verbal communication—like body language, tone, eye contact, and facial expressions—often carries much more weight. Research suggests that up to 93% of communication is non-verbal, which means the emotional tone and intent behind words often speak louder than the words themselves.
For instance, if one partner says "I’m fine" in response to a conflict but delivers the message with crossed arms, a sarcastic tone, and no eye contact, the non-verbal cues communicate something entirely different than the words suggest. Withholding how you really feel and what you are really thinking creates confusion and erodes trust over time. Partners have to prioritize being real with each other.
2. Emotional Safety in Communication
For communication to be truly effective, both partners need to feel emotionally safe. Emotional safety refers to the assurance that one can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, ridicule, or retaliation. This safety fosters openness and vulnerability, allowing partners to share their needs and feelings honestly.
Couples who lack emotional safety often fall into defensive communication patterns—either shutting down (stonewalling) or becoming overly reactive. This can lead to a destructive cycle where neither partner feels heard, understood, or valued. Feeling emotionally safe allows us the freedom to express our most genuine selves- this is the key to good communication.
3. The Role of Active Listening
One of the most critical yet overlooked elements of communication is active listening. Many people listen with the intent to respond rather than to understand. Psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of empathy in communication—truly understanding a partner’s feelings and perspective before formulating a response.
Active listening involves:
· Focusing on what the other person is saying without distractions.
· Paraphrasing or summarizing what you heard to ensure clarity. For example, repeating back to them by starting with “So what I heard you say was________” and continuing to try until your partner feels heard.
· Responding with empathy, acknowledging your partner’s feelings even if you don’t necessarily agree with their viewpoint. Avoid saying “I’m sorry you feel that way but_____.” Instead try “It’s hard for me to see you this upset; if I hurt you I’m so sorry. I want to hear more about why you feel this way.”
When partners feel heard, it can de-escalate tension and lead to more constructive, solution-focused conversations.
Common Barriers to Effective Communication
While the theory behind good communication is simple, couples often face psychological barriers that make it challenging to implement in real life. Here are some common hurdles:
1. Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are irrational or biased ways of thinking that can distort how partners perceive each other’s words and actions. Some common distortions include:
· Mind-reading: Assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling without asking. Example: “You just like to put me down because it make’s you feel better about yourself.”
· Personalization: Taking your partner’s behavior or moods personally, even when it’s unrelated to you. Example: “You made yourself a plate and didn’t bother to make me one because you couldn’t care less about me.”
· Catastrophizing: Exaggerating the significance of a problem or assuming the worst-case scenario. Example: “You didn’t run the dryer this morning like I asked and now everything will stay soaked and I’ll be up all night drying it and it will ruin my whole day tomorrow.”
These distorted thoughts often fuel misunderstandings and create unnecessary conflict.
2. Attachment Styles
According to attachment theory, our early experiences with caregivers shape how we relate to others in adulthood. In relationships, people with different attachment styles may communicate in ways that reflect their emotional needs:
· Secure attachment: People with secure attachment tend to be open and confident in communication.
· Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment may crave reassurance and become overly preoccupied with their partner’s responses.
· Avoidant attachment: Those with avoidant attachment may withdraw from emotional conversations, finding them uncomfortable or threatening.
Understanding each other’s attachment styles can help partners navigate emotional triggers more effectively.
3. Fear of Vulnerability
Many couples struggle to communicate because they fear vulnerability. Expressing true feelings—especially those of fear, shame, or hurt—can feel risky. Partners may avoid these deeper conversations, leading to superficial exchanges that lack the emotional depth necessary for intimacy. People are also often taught that sweeping issues under the rug is sometimes necessary for a peaceful home environment- not true!!
Strategies for Improving Communication
Improving communication requires conscious effort and a commitment to breaking old patterns. Here are some strategies that can help couples foster better communication:
1. Practice "I" Statements
Instead of saying "You never listen to me," which can come across as accusatory, use "I" statements to express your feelings without blame. For example, "I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts and you’re on your phone." This shifts the focus to your feelings and makes it easier for your partner to understand your perspective without feeling defensive.
2. Set Aside Regular Time for Check-Ins
Busy schedules often lead to neglected communication. Setting aside dedicated time for regular emotional check-ins allows partners to discuss how they’re feeling, address any brewing issues, and stay emotionally connected. This can be as simple as a weekly conversation over coffee where both partners listen without distractions. The famous couples and marriage researcher John Gottman calls these “friendship talks.”
3. Cultivate Curiosity, Not Criticism
Approaching conversations with curiosity rather than criticism can transform how partners relate. Instead of jumping to conclusions or assuming bad intent, try asking questions that seek to understand: "Can you help me understand what you meant when you said that?" or "How were you feeling when that happened?"
4. Manage Emotional Reactions
In emotionally charged moments, it’s easy to react impulsively. Learning to manage emotional responses through techniques like deep breathing, taking a pause, or using a time-out can prevent escalation. A key rule is: If your emotional response is over a 7 out of 10, it might be better to take a break before continuing the conversation.
Final Thoughts
Effective communication in relationships isn’t just about what is said, but how it’s said, received, and processed. The foundation of healthy communication is emotional safety, active listening, and an openness to vulnerability. For many couples, learning to communicate effectively can be transformative—not just for resolving conflicts but for deepening connection and intimacy.
From a psychological perspective, improving communication is an ongoing process that requires practice, patience, and a willingness to understand both yourself and your partner more fully. While it may not always be easy, the reward is a more harmonious, connected, and fulfilling relationship.
By fostering better communication, couples can create a relationship that feels secure, loving, and resilient—one that can weather challenges and thrive in the long term.
About the Author: Maria Shifrin, Ph.D.
As a licensed couples therapist, I specialize in helping partners strengthen their relationships through evidence-based communication strategies. My practice is grounded in a deep understanding of how psychological principles can be applied to foster healthier, happier relationships.